In 2021, we went to the Maldives. Also in 2021, I had yet to really address my anxiety — I knew it was there, but I often just swept it under the rug.
So anyway, the Maldives… “picturesque” and “serenity” are the words that pop into my head for this dream destination.
Ever since we’d booked our trip, I’d dreamed of getting a photo of me in a clear kayak. Back then, my social media feed was filled with people in stunning swimsuits on kayaks over turquoise water — and I thought, I have to get one too!
The photo turned out amazing… but the experience, and what I was feeling, were anything but.
To get to the area in this picture, we had to kayak from a different beach and around a corner. It was a little windy that day, and the water was a bit choppy. I started to worry: What if the water gets too rough and we overturn? What if it’s too rough and struggle to paddle back? Despite my partner reassuring me that it would be okay, I felt otherwise.
When we finally reached this beautiful spot, it was exactly as I had imagined — crystal-clear water, white sand, palm trees in the background, and me on a clear kayak in the swimsuit I’d spent days searching for. All the ingredients of a perfect Maldives photoshoot. It was dreamy…
Except I didn’t feel like I was in a wonderful dream. Mentally, I was in a nightmare, battling my fears. This wasn’t the calm water I had imagined. Where was the serenity?
Knowing we had to paddle back the same way, my thoughts spiraled: What if we can’t get back? Does anyone know we’re out here? Would they even notice if we went missing? All I wanted to do was get off the kayak.
Needless to say, my fear got the better of me, and it ruined the experience — for both of us.
We made it back just fine, by the way — no drama at all.
Whenever I look at this photo, I feel a mix of sadness and disappointment — sadness that such a “perfect” moment didn’t feel perfect inside, and disappointment that I couldn’t just enjoy it the way I thought I should.
It still astonishes me that beneath a picture so serene was a storm of fear.
The Story Behind the Maldives Picture
Beneath a picture so serene was a storm of fear...
Stories, reflections, and little discoveries from a diver, traveller, and occasional overthinker — shared in the hope they offer comfort or inspiration.
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